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  • Writer's pictureJoe Pace

Player of Games, #58: CandyLand

There are a lot of really great board games out there. Engaging, thoughtful, complex. Ones that encourage collaboration or competition, ones that tax the muscles of critical thinking, strategy, or fool luck.

CandyLand falls into the latter category. This is a game of color recognition, essentially an extended vision test for toddlers, one when boiled down to its essence is about gloating when you jump ahead on the board and gloating when your sibling falls backward. Oh, man, did you hit the Rainbow Trail again, you lucky prick? I'm jumping to the Ice Cream Floats, screw you losers. That sort of thing. I'm convinced that it exists for three sole purposes:

1: As a gateway drug for Milton Bradley, indoctrinating unsuspecting children into a lifetime of buying shitty board games

2: As a convenient, if brief, parental sedative for their restive spawn

3: As an advertisement for large sugar interests, subsidized by dentists who watch with cartoonish dollar signs in their eyes as youngsters traverse Cavity Country

So, why is it on here? Because, like everyone else our age, I played it as a kid with my parents, and as a parent with my kids. And it's CandyLand, for chrissakes. It's in the Hall of Fame, even though is sucks. Kind of like Harold Baines.

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